My Girl

I can stare at a blank page and flashing cursor for eons and nothing will appear... So my fingers slowly bash out what I hope will empty my thoughts in a stream of coherent words that may somehow relate my sadness at loosing one of my best friends.
No
Strike that
She was my best friend.

She came into our life as a little bundle of 9 month old energy. She bounced and panted and shook.. It was a cold night in February 2002 when she left the home she knew on the 5th fl of a Cote st apartment. We promised the old owner we would care and love her and give her a life that would be the envy of every dog. Well she shook, she was frightened but she was loved instantly. It didnt take too long before she made her new den her home ( first things first- I showed her where to pee- yes she had her own back yard)

Well as anyone who knows pugs- They love to eat... And she feasted. From day one till her end she got  my table scraps. It was our secret that really wasnt too secret.

We walked, and adventured and walked some more. I used to hear comments about dog obediance and the stay and heel orders that need to be met by all our four legged friends.
Fuck that.. It was her walk and if she wanted to sniff a hedge or scratch at a log then it was her choice.. She had to sit and wait for us to finish out jobs so it was only fair that her time was her time. Of course there were times that she had to be rushed, and I do regret those now. But life had to be lived. When we had the time, she revelled in the freedom.

She had issues with medications and that could be another novel, but here is not the time nor place. Suffice to say she she never got her rabies shot after the time she had her first check up with us and her heart stopped. I guess she loved us enough to come back because she did.
She had many episodes over her years, and everytime she came back.. A little slower and a little weaker. But she came back.

She had her favorite toys over the years. A rubber carrot, her plush toys that she sucked and licked into a point, one was a stuffed tiger. And her ball at the cottage. I have no idea where this thing came from but she took to it like long lost friends. The ball was her everything. She swam with it (yes this pug swam and I can prove it) and slept with it- in her mouth.

But the cottage.
For most of her life, it was "her"place. The mere words "country" would start a curled tail to wag furiously to the point of straightening and the panting to commence. She would follow us everywhere until the door would open to the car and in she'd go.. "c'mon you slow pokes" was pleading in her eyes "theres froggies to catch"
Froggies and Balls.. Those two obscure and un attached elements of the country place has passed from doggie to little boys, but when Curly was our only soul, they were hers alone. Our lake front is small and as us kids grew and moved on to bigger and stressier things, the lakefront regressed to its primordial state- weeds, lillipads.. Curly, with one fell swoop brought back the sand, brought back life to the childhood front of our dreams. She swirled up the waters with those wee paws and the sand uncovered it self. The lillipads abated, and the froggies scattered. She was on the prowl. Imagine a portly pug, all barrel chested head buried under the waters, running. The water breaking over her back. She was a sight.
And the sound.. Those there will attest to the gawd awful shriek she emitted to my jumping into the lake and swimming away. It was an angst ridden scream. The whole lake heard it. And it always happened when I went away from her... I didnt do that often and as soon as she did, I swam back.

The boys came and she adapted to the creatures who screamed, cried, and took our time. I always -always kept our time sacred.. We had our walks still. Early AM and as far as she wanted. But they started to shorten in length and in distance. Our boys grew and she had to now attempt to deal with the love that little ones can express.. Hugging, poking and prodding. It was taxing for her.
Her eyesight faded. So bad to the point that she was startled by shadows and the sun. I always held her close on her leash. She needed that leash now. It was her security, her knowledge that we were close, attached.

Her hearing went. The word country elicited no response. When she did get to the cottage, you could see the spark was still there. In her mind- She was a puppy but her body belayed that dream.
She started to slow. Our walks were our street.. Where she ruled the blocks that surround us, her kingdom now mere meters.

I saw the big change this year. Our walks werent ours anymore. They were work.. Excrutiatingly hard work that she had to fight through. Until one day that was impossible.
Her mind was still sharp. She was still our little puppy and my best friend. But her body was shutting down.

I struggle now, a week and 2 days after the fact that we had to let her go. I hate the phrase "put her down" as I want her to be elevated. But in my mind it plays out like this- I was her protector and provider and in her time of need, I let her down. That is the feelings and thoughts that course through the tumbleweed that is my brain. I know she struggled, was in pain and it would have been selfish of me to make her carry on. I do know that fire is the great purifier & time will greatly ease the pain.
We were fortunate to have her brought to us. To have her live and love with us for 12 and a half years.

I have learned so much from that little soul that Im a better person..
She rests now in the land that she loved so much and means so much to us with her old tiger by her side.

Until we meet again my Curly pug